Monday, April 1, 2013

Please stop.

I keep catching myself red handed. Betrayed and ashamed. Its like a little white lie that has spread through out my body but originating in my bones. now, now its a full gone sepsis and I breath calmly, somewhat knowing its my destined route. I can almost feel it spreading, if I hold really still and try not to move. What once was so second nature now seems like my life depends on it. If I let go of it, I fear I would hemorrhage and die. I feel like if it left me, I'd have no place to go and I'd probably miss the barbaric thing. I think it hits everyone. But do they notice it too? Can they feel its weight pulling, yanking, drawing them in too? Or is this just how it is? Do I just accept it?
I feel as if I don't enjoy everything I do. When I'm one place, I yearn to be somewhere else. It eats at me so I can't fully enjoy my day. My seconds are passing by as minutes and my minutes as hours and you guessed it, my hours passing by as days. I count down to the time I get to leave and happily do what I want. What I enjoy. It's about me, because I'm selfish. 
When I'm at school, I wish I was home. Or when I'm at work it has become a second job in and of itself to look at that clock, to count down to when I get to leave.  I count down the seconds, milliseconds, nanoseconds until I'm to my sanctuary. I feel like this is the reason my life seems like it's passing by so fast. I'm always so busy, and not enjoying the small things. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. If I enjoyed everything, then the things I do enjoy most would seem less fulfilling.

Well, there's my nonsense for the day. Proceed with what you were previously doing, until next time..