Wednesday, January 30, 2013

What do you do..

What do you do when you don't care who comes or goes. When Days are just days and you can only think about curling under blankets and reading a book . When dropping out of school and moving away crosses your mind way too much. When you want something but you are scared to obtain it. When listening to music is the only thing that will calm your nerves...
What do you do when you don't have anything special about you and it is slowly starting to be more relevant that you don't have a passion like everyone else...
When your friend asks you, 'what's one thing that you really like, it can be anything- food, family member, activity.. and you don't have an answer. You just awkwardly sit there and try to change the subject. Oddly enough you don't have to answer, but it eats at you for weeks.
Seriously, what do you do?
I'm not trying to be diagnosed with clinical depression or anything. I just feel like... I'm lost.
I mean... I love doing things. Count me in for interaction. But, I don't feel like its a passion or a hobbie.
I don't have a friend that i'm close to because we enjoy the 'same thing'.. I don't know how that would even be possible, considering I don't even know what I really enjoy.

Saturday, January 19, 2013

Hibernation and stuff related to not waking up for prolonged durations..

I've honestly have been staring at this stupid computer screen for a good 10 minutes.
I don't even know where to start. So, I guess I'll start by starting off by writing about now knowing where to start..
^That was a horribly constructed intro..
Anyway, I started school on Monday. It's alright.
I really need to figure out a schedule and stick to it. I have this mentality that if I have a strict regime that my life will start being simple again.
Today I've realized a few things.
1. My whole life can be stuffed into 3 small garbage bags.
2. I really enjoy poetry.
3. I must always take my headphones everywhere, it makes people more tolerable.
4. No matter what time I wake up I'll always be tired, so I might as well just wake up at 7am like I need to do.
5. I need to put more effort into things.

 'Slut,' by Daphne Gottlieb
i die first
in every horror movie,
before the innocent boyfriend, the too-
curious best friend
and the foolhardy pal.
death comes blind fast
and easy, familiar as the top button of
my blouse popping open
and suddenly i’m an angel
on the cutting room
floor, wearing gore,
a blank stare, not much
i do it over and over.
i can play
like this for hours.
sometimes i enter a dark
room and unbutton
my shirt, rock my hips
side to side
until the killer’s music comes on.
then I button up
quick, laughing or
shaking, sometimes
from the way i look
after i’m split open
you’d never know:
i was born a baby.
i still sleep
with my stuffed poodle.
her name is “tammy.”
after my parents divorced, i wet
the bed for a year.
i want to be a nurse.
my favorite color is blue.
first kiss at 12,
first shame at 13,
first blood at 14.
skipped four years
of gym, skimmed just the tips
of my stepfather’s
fingers, nothing more.
i never took my clothes off
for a doctor but my body
became a secret
all the boys knew
and i didn’t.
the ghost story
made me a ghost.
now, at 16,
i only remember my own
skin when i am touched.
it makes me real
when i strip down,
take it off, find the edges of my body
through your eyes or under
your hands, against your skin.
it feels like death
every time you
there is nothing i can do
except open my throat
and say the word for girls
who are the ghosts of want:
i’ll take my shirt off
while you watch—
call it love
when the knife rips
through my ribs,
when the ice pick cracks
my chest, or however
it happens this time
but first
here’s my prayer:
that what happens to girls like me
who die dirty, give it up
with a shudder like pleasure—
pray that when we’re killed as martyrs
we get loved like saints.