Thursday, May 14, 2015

Summer Time Sadness

Brace yourself. Everything good may come to an end. How silly is it, that your whole life can be determined by a electronic paper and a few words. Get ready to be compared and contrasted to a couple hundred of people, that you know have fought harder and longer to get to the top. Wait, hold your tongue... you may say the wrong thing. Everyone says, 'if you don't try, how will you ever know?'. Life has shut me down, one too many times. I'm scared, really scared. So, brace yourself. My gut feeling has me on the verge of a nervous break down.

Monday, March 16, 2015

To: you From: me

I just wanted to write you a "letter". So, you'll have to deal with me being all cheesy, mushy, gooey for like a couple paragraphs. I just wanted to thank you, thank you for being so loving, patient, and understanding. I was thinking a lot about what you said on our way home from Red Rocks, you know, that you hope I was happy and that you hope that I don't feel obligated to stay with you because I live with you and have nowhere else to go. haha. But, I hope I was clear in my response... I'm way happy with you and I always have been! Being with you has been my favorite thing/ has been interesting, we've had a lot of ups and downs. From living in different cities, you being reckless, then me being reckless, to moving in with you, me crying to you countless times about school or you not listening /caring what I say.. hah. Sometimes I get nervous and make myself distanced from you... I just get scared. I mean, how did I get someone like you to like me...I'm this shy, introverted person that comes up with thee most random childish things. :/ Well, anyway, I hope you know you've really improved and you're the best listener now, you've never made me feel not loved, and you make me smile constantly. I feel like we sort of have each other figured out and hopefully it gets better!
If you're ever unhappy or anything is bothering you, I hope you will talk to me about it. And I hope you never get board of me..
I have too many thoughts going through my head though. If you want to hear more I can tell you tonight.

bye, (:

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Is there comfort in being second runner up

Do you ever get used to coming in last? Or being the only person you can rely on? Or is life just a constant mess of "I should have tried harder".  Where is the line when you can just stop feeling disappointed... Is that the way we grow and learn?  Does anyone even care about anyone else but theirselves?  Does anyone even listen to you when you talk or engage interest in anyone but theirselves. Ironically, I'm the best at it.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

word junk

For the longest time I fought the annoying urge to keep to myself. I mean, everyone I looked up to was outgoing (extroverted). I would ask people to hangout. Text people all the time. Try to think of witty things to say. Find things to do with people and try to get groups of people together to do activities. I hated when I was with most people (not family related). I would be with people and wish I was home or with individuals that I felt comfortable with. I guess this coincides with myself growing up. As I get older, I find that I don't care what people think. If I want to be alone, I'll just walk away and go read or clean (not the funniest activity but I make due).. probably not the friendliest approach, and it can get pretty award a some points, but like I said... I don't care. Most days I do wish I was more outgoing and wanted/ had more friends. I mostly wish I had someone to talk to. I like listening, but having a symbiotic relationship of talking would be ideal. I guess it doesn't bother me too much. I'm used to being ignored. I mean, my whole childhood I never felt wanted. I remember begging my mom to let me live with my dad. Constant tears of hate and frustration. I just wanted to be somewhere I was comfortable and wanted.
This blog has turned to me complaining. But who else am I supposed to turn to? I have so much bottled up and this is the place that I can get it all out.
My life is pretty great though. So Just ignore this...

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Exposer is no place for a coward

I've never felt so depressed in my life. I guess having a home and a safe place is my comfort. I never knew trying to make people happy was such a daunting task and I feel drained. So when does the cortisol start kicking in? When do I go into fight mode and start making life my bitch. Or am I the  one that flees? Life was going so great. How could I let my guard down. Now, as I have no home, the semester comes and I haven't seriously studied once.. And I don't even care if I don't do well. That doesn't sound like me and I don't know what's wrong. From the student that's never been late or missed an assignment. I'm ready to surrender. Here's my white flag. You won.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

Annual update...

!!!! And you guessed it, still doing the same thing as the last time I updated about myself. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing...
Today I just thought i'd do something different and blogging was just the thing. Maybe because I have way to much on my mind.
Don't you just hate when every negative thought comes to your mind. When you do nothing but feel sorry for yourself. Or when you feel like crying for no apparent reason. Yeah, I hate days like that too. I don't even know why I get in that mind set. I'm generally a happy person.
But a thought that always keeps reoccurring in my mind is... how much I hate my parents. And how much I envy people with good ones. I can't help but think how selfish my mom and dad are. What even makes an individual selfish? No one teaches it to their kids, it seems like a natural instinct? I don't understand. Anyway, that could be a whole other blog post in and of itself. I love my parents, promise. I just hate how they  are oblivious to their children. Now, here I am, fearing I'll turn out just like them... or better yet hating people that remind me of them. When someone is selfish or oblivious to other people. I can't help but clench my teeth together and try to let the moment pass. My only hope is probably my sister. The love she has for her kids is pure and her selflessness for them boggles my mind. Where did she learn that, certainty not from my parents. Where I'd be without her, I don't like to think about.
Anyway, I feel somewhat better.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

That time again?

here Please, please, please tell me i'm not the only abnormal person... that always thinks about death.  It's a sore in my mouth that I can't leave alone. It's my roommates alarm that I can vaguely hear in the mornings, just enough to wake me but not loud enough to disturb me completely. 
Maybe it's because my birthday is tomorrow, and I dread nothing more than growing up. But, I can't shake the thought of dying or worse... losing people I love. Isn't that the most horrible thing ever? Loving something and inevitably knowing they'll be gone. I guess this shouldn't be a big deal and all, because I can't do a thing about it. But, it's bothering me more so than ever. It's making me become agitated with people and myself. I don't like it. And I hope it passes soon. 

It has been a recurring question, and you think that it would get easier to answer. But its never been easy for me to answer. I have a mini melt down when I'm forced to answer it.
So, for the sake of reassurance that I do in fact enjoy things, i need to put my mind at ease.
... I like reading, I love it actually. My favorite places and people are in a paper back novel on my shelf.
I like writing. I've never been anything close to a verbal person. I even find myself stuttering over words sometimes and when I try to explain something to someone, it never makes sense.
I like film cameras anything more and i'm not as amused. 
I like when I have nothing to do during the day, and I can do anything or nothing, if I please.
I like traveling. Secretly, I think its my best favorite because I'm usually with Scott.
I like being wrong. It forces me to be right. 
I like animals. A lot!
I like memorizing poems, camping, rock climbing, music...
I guess I could go on all day. But i'll stop. 

Unable are the Loved to die
For Love is Immortality,
Nay, it is Deity—

Unable they that love—to die
For Love reforms Vitality
Into Divinity. 

I just memorized this.. now I need to find a new one.